1. |
In the end...
05:04
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"I... see the same dream over and over again.
A dream in which I'm waiting for a person for so long.
I'm waiting for someone by a waterfront in the dark.
Waiting and waiting, for many years.
But then, I realize someone who's been staring at me.
And I run, dragging my feet along,
to the person who I think is my mother
though I barely remember her.
...But then when I look carefully,
I realize it was just a reflection of myself
in the water.
And then I feel so lonely...
and I wake up." [1]
in the end
how did it come to this?
"In the end...
I'm all alone again" [2]
3,2,1
死ね [3]
now I seek the comfort in defeat
but it seems there's none left to find
so I've lost sleep; become less than weak
I've grown weary
weary of my mind
what's the point
since you're gone
what's the point
of these fucking songs
"I know a thing about contrition
cause I've got enough to spare" [4]
I've submitted to submission
cause I haven't got a prayer
God, are you listening?
what's the point I'm still missing?
what's the fucking point
oh love, where've you been?
you're nails deep in my skin
but in the end
I'm all alone again
when I spend my nights on the floor
it's all I think about anymore
now when I spend my nights on the floor
it's all I think about
lest the black drowns my eyes
how much longer do I have to suffer?
then the answer, screams back at me
お前はもう死んでいる [5]
I still feel you
and I still wait
for you to say...
oh love, where've you been?
you're nails deep in my skin
but in the end...
the night air is getting harder to breathe
and I miss the scent of your nicotine
the silence is deafening; it's everything
it's beckoning
I hope you found your peace
do you remember the dream you told me?
I hope you never feel alone again
I hope that dream's finally out of your head
FOOTNOTES
1 - chapter 42, pages 3-4, Aiko
2 - chapter 41, page 23, Aiko
3 - "die!" in Japanese
4 - My Chemical Romance, "House of Wolves"
5 - Fist of the North Star
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2. |
Aiko
04:25
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for so long I lived in shades of black and white [1]
stuck in this monochrome sight
that was my life, my daily strife
a midwife to death's mother
but you found me in that night [2]
you saved my life, you filled my sight
you filled my sight with color
I'm not worth your time
please keep your distance
I know I'm not enough
I'll never be enough
I'm not worth your time
please keep your distance
what do you see
see in me?
how can you love the unloving?
I'd grown accustomed
to the razors self embedded; burning in my chest
you were a gift from romantic grace
my soul's not worthy
to find comfort in your taste
what did I do to deserve this lover
when I'm nothing but a hopeless poor motherfucker
poor motherfucker
I'm not worth your time
please keep your distance
I know I'm not enough
I'll never be enough
I'm not worth your time
please keep your distance
what do you see
see in me?
how can you love me?
you broke through my apathy and misery
I'm not the only lonely soul now that it's you and me
you're my "little scarlet, starlet, singin in the garden" [3]
kiss me with your open mouth
you're my "little harlot, starlet," Queen of Three Mile Island
raising hell till we go down
I'm not "sorry bout it"
I'm not "sorry bout it"
I'm not sorry...
...that you're my embracing light
you filled my sight
you filled my sight
I've lived my life
making the same mistakes; my mistakes
every mistake I'd make
left another heart to waste
"I might not be able to rescue everyone..."
I'm too late
"but at the very least
I want to save you from that fate" [4]
"I want to save you from that fate"
it's not too late
cause all I do
I do for you
I do for you
"because I love you" [5]
I'm not worth your time
please keep your distance
I know I'm not enough
I'll never be enough
I'm not worth your time (cause all I do, I do for you)
please keep your distance
what do you see (cause all I do, I do for...)
see in me?
FOOTNOTES
1 - manga illustrations
2 - 11/07/15
3 - Lana Del Rey, "Off To The Races"
4 - chapter 3, pages 9-10, Punpun
5 - chapter 3, page 11, Punpun
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3. |
Separation Anxiety
03:41
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I'm scared to death without you around
I'm scared your feet won't ever touch back down [1]
come down, come down
visions in my sleep;
a fragile face, a grave for two
now this room's a terrible place
terrible place, just refuse
this space is a terrible place
terrible place, without you
dear God I, never thought I'd
lose this much this time (this much this time)
it's a living hell tonight
but only in my mind
my god I, can't justify
these old fears despite
when worlds apart, one lone heart
still beats in unison with mine
I see your ghost
everytime my eyes close
(I feel your bones)
will you stay if I never wake?
I'd really like to know
separate, isolate me
"one person's happiness
comes from another's misfortune" [2]
I will drown in myself, if it helps you sleep at night
as the memory of you fades into the light
and I, into the dark [3]
let me die in only your happiest of dreams
dear God I, never thought I'd
lose this much this time (this much this time)
it's a living hell tonight
for the hundredth fucking time
my god I, can't justify
these old fears despite
when worlds apart, one lone heart
still beats in unison with mine
I see your ghost
everytime my eyes close
(I feel your bones)
will you stay if I never wake?
I'd really like to know
you were the tourniquet that kept my heart in time
can't even bear the weight that's mine [4]
now I'd just rather not be alive
striped fingers crossed
a girl forever lost [5]
why do I get like this?
I am a self inflicting, life crippling, natural disaster
I'll find peace when I'm held only by the rafters
"Pathetic" [6]
vapid dreams, come calm every frayed nerve
soothe my broken heart to sleep
despite the pain I deserve
FOOTNOTES
1 - to foreshadow: be a warning or indication of a future event
2 - Chapter 28, page 1, God
3 - Chapter 26, page 11
4 - Chapter 28, page 1, God
5 - Chapter 27, page 1
6 - End of Evangelion, Asuka
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4. |
Hikikomori
02:52
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please find reprieve in the silence between breaths
cause it's the only calm we seem to find outside of death
these words like poison, can't seem to hold my tongue
I choke them down till, they flood my lungs [1]
it burns like rotgut
cover your ears
or sew my lips shut
sew them shut
seal my fate, I'm a waste
I always fail to reciprocate
"I'm only living by habit" [2]
and life just won't have it
my greatest fear is you feeling distressed by my presence
would you feel happier the more we put ourselves at distance?
we stray from each other in our greatest times of need
we trace the paths, we've already passed
just to see if we still bleed
won't you
please just shed my skin
let's not let this end
please just shed my skin
shed my skin
ひきこもり [3]
a victim of complacency
I'm no longer the safe haven you once found refuge in
so please kill the ghost [4], who's made its home
in your lover's skin
I hate myself, for the man I've become
tie my noose, drain my veins
erase my spirit please
I hate myself, for the man I've become (so numb)
tie my noose, drain my veins
save yourself from me
FOOTNOTES
1 - chapter 80, pages 11-18, Punpun
2 - chapter 61, page 5, Ms. Onadera
3 - hikikomori: (in Japan) the abnormal avoidance of social contact, typically by adolescent males
4 - the spirit of Fujikawa Takashi
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5. |
サチ
01:27
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6. |
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let's make your true colours start to show
Aiko, Aiko
I want to make you feel miserable
"I want to make your life miserable"
Aiko, Aiko
small talk on the empty streets
your mouth's moving, but you've yet to speak
we're not normal kid, we're quite the opposite
so drop the formal shit, no one's fooled by it
years passed
from something to nothing
now I dwell in the past
years passed
from nothing to something
you can't hide that fact
I feel misdirected
by your kind impressions
and your newfound penchant
for hidden intentions [1]
"I'm extremely saddened" [2]
liar
"I know I'm being unfairly self entitled but...
I want to make your life miserable" [3]
fuck it
watch my malice breathe back into your veins
will you even be able to look at me the same?
"I want to make your life miserable"
I want to make you feel miserable (Aiko)
"I want to make your life miserable"
FOOTNOTES:
1. Chapter 103, page 15
2. Chapter 103, page 15, Punpun
3. Chapter 103, pages 17-18, Punpun
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7. |
Punishment
05:23
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without me
without me
you'd see
how much better things can be
that even though you don't want to be alone
you'd be much better off
without me
I may seem ungrateful
cause I'm scared to let you in again
scared to feel safe again
I may sound so hateful
cause I see my old self in you
and I hate seeing the truth
seeing the truth
I've become a devil...
...who's terrified
of losing you again
if I lose you, I'll lose my sense of place
it'd just worsen my already fragile state
I'd lose my purpose, I'd lose my purpose
I'd hope not to, forget your perfect face
leave me rotted, but you'd find a better place
I'd lose my purpose, but I'd deserve it
I'd be left to waste, worst case; (I'd) forget your face
then you'd find me floating further into empty space [1]
but without me...
without me
you'd be free
of my bullshit and selfishness
my failure as your love interest
no longer a crutch
for a pill eating, love leeching
cowardly nihilist
without me
you'd see
how much better things can be
that even though you don't want to be alone
you'd be much better off
without me
you'd pull closer to stay, I'd just push you further away
our mutual misery, disjointed empathy, our love in entropy
now I just want to mark your bruised skin with my teeth
cause "I'm scared I'll wake up...
"I'm scared I'll wake up from my dream if I fall asleep" [2]
so wrap your fingers round my throat
squeeze harder and tighter, until my eye starts to float
to the back of my head, be the Shinji to my Asuka instead [3]
and leave me in the bed [4]
so wrap your fingers round my throat
squeeze harder and tighter, until my eye starts to float
to the back of my head, be the Shinji to my Asuka instead
and end your dread
if I lose you, I'll lose my sense of place
it'd just worsen my already fragile state
I'd lose my purpose, I'd lose my purpose
I'd hope not to, forget your face
leave me rotted, but you'd find a better place
I'd lose my purpose, but I'd deserve it
you were the one who said it best
"if you leave me alone,
just what am I supposed to do?" [5]
without me
you'd be free
of my bullshit and selfishness
my failure as your love interest
no longer a crutch
for a lust feeding, self hating
depressing pessimist
without me
you'd see
how much better things can be
and even though you don't want to be alone
you'd be much better off love
without me [6]
FOOTNOTES
1 - chapter 42, page 13
2 - chapter 123, page 11, Punpun
3 - End of Evangelion, One More Final: I need you.
4 - chapter 123, page 12
5 - chapter 123, page 13, Aiko
6 - I'm truly glad you've found happiness in my absence.
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Desolate Corning, New York
m̶a̵y̵ ̸͖̽ỳ̴̢o̵͎̊ų̵̯̔͠ ̴̜͉͒͋n̸͚̻̊̋é̴̩͍̱͌v̴̖͉̗̻͊e̷̢͚̘̖̫͓͚̋̈́̃̿r̴͔̟̜̦̝̗͊̀͗̈́́
ḟ̵̧̠o̸̘̰̐̚r̸̢͙̊g̶̻̍e̷̳͑t̵̠͍͑ ̵̧͇͌̓m̴̲̄ẽ̸̘̳̗
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