without me

without me
you'd see
how much better things can be
that even though you don't want to be alone
you'd be much better off
without me

I may seem ungrateful
cause I'm scared to let you in again
scared to feel safe again

I may sound so hateful
cause I see my old self in you
and I hate seeing the truth
seeing the truth

I've become a devil...

...who's terrified
of losing you again

if I lose you, I'll lose my sense of place
it'd just worsen my already fragile state
I'd lose my purpose, I'd lose my purpose
I'd hope not to, forget your perfect face
leave me rotted, but you'd find a better place
I'd lose my purpose, but I'd deserve it

I'd be left to waste, worst case; (I'd) forget your face
then you'd find me floating further into empty space [1]

but without me...

without me
you'd be free
of my bullshit and selfishness
my failure as your love interest
no longer a crutch
for a pill eating, love leeching
cowardly nihilist

without me
you'd see
how much better things can be
that even though you don't want to be alone
you'd be much better off
without me

you'd pull closer to stay, I'd just push you further away
our mutual misery, disjointed empathy, our love in entropy
now I just want to mark your bruised skin with my teeth

cause "I'm scared I'll wake up...
"I'm scared I'll wake up from my dream if I fall asleep" [2]

so wrap your fingers round my throat
squeeze harder and tighter, until my eye starts to float
to the back of my head, be the Shinji to my Asuka instead [3]
and leave me in the bed [4]

so wrap your fingers round my throat
squeeze harder and tighter, until my eye starts to float
to the back of my head, be the Shinji to my Asuka instead
and end your dread

if I lose you, I'll lose my sense of place
it'd just worsen my already fragile state
I'd lose my purpose, I'd lose my purpose
I'd hope not to, forget your face
leave me rotted, but you'd find a better place
I'd lose my purpose, but I'd deserve it

you were the one who said it best
"if you leave me alone,
just what am I supposed to do?" [5]

without me
you'd be free
of my bullshit and selfishness
my failure as your love interest
no longer a crutch
for a lust feeding, self hating
depressing pessimist

without me
you'd see
how much better things can be
and even though you don't want to be alone
you'd be much better off love
without me [6]


FOOTNOTES
1 - chapter 42, page 13
2 - chapter 123, page 11, Punpun
3 - End of Evangelion, One More Final: I need you.
4 - chapter 123, page 12
5 - chapter 123, page 13, Aiko
6 - I'm truly glad you've found happiness in my absence.
おやすみ